10 Things: James Bond
by Prosper-the-XVIII
Summary: What does Q spend his spare time inventing? What are the best M quotes in existence? How do you tell you're a fan of James Bond? Who's the best Bond Girl? Just click the little blue words above this to find out!
1. 1: Q, James and Exploding Tic Tacs

**Just a collection of funny/stupid little ficlets. I got the idea for this from A Little Erratic's fic, Ten Things Harry Potter Style. This first one is: ten things Q would probably invent and give to James, but should be restrained from [inventing ans giving to James.] (Most of these explode, by the way) Enjoy!**

* * *

****1. Little thingies that look like Tic Tacs. Can you guess what they do. That's right. THEY BLOW UP!

2. A mobile phone app that alerts James whenever M's security code for her apartment changes. It also tells him what the new code is and when she's likely to change it again.

3. A dart-firing camera

4. A fart gun (y'know, like Gru's from Despicable Me)

5. A gun only capable of firing blanks (James kind of annoyed Q. This is Q's chosen method of revenge.)

6. A stick and a piece of string (Q got REALLY annoyed with James)

7. A pen drive that blows up the computer that it's plugged into.

8. A thing that can remove the glass from a window completely intact and then put it back in safely in under a minute (useful for james when it comes to getting into M's apartment when he runs out of Scotch or just fancies annoying her)

9. Just a stick (Q got really really really annoyed with James this time)

10. An indestructible Aston Martin

He invented all of them and here are the end results: 

1. This got the mission completed, but it wasn't much fun for the casino staff who had to clean bits of exploded komodo dragon off the walls.

2. This nearly got them both fired; M was not too happy with James for breaking and entering her home yet again and with Q for inventing the offending app in the first place.

3. Tanner still has the dart that was fired at him accidentally-on-purpose by James stuck in his arse.

4. The Q Dept. had to relocate for a month whilst the smell cleared out of their laboratory.

5, 6 and 9. M, James and the medical department were none too happy with Q, or rather the amount of damage inflicted on 007 due to the fact he had nothing but a stick to defend himself.

7. M wasn't best pleased when she had to spend about a fortnight in MI6 rewriting every dossier, file and obituary in existence after James blew up her laptop. James claimed that he and Q did it ;just for a laugh'. M doesn't think there's anything remotely funny about it.

8. This one nearly got Q and James fired. It didn't work and the end result was M having to pay for a new bedroom window.

10. James even managed to destroy this one. Q nearly died when he found out that James had somehow driven four years worth of his research off of a cliff. He is currently trying to work on a Bugatti Veyron with the same technology for Summer, the slightly less accident prone 008 and M's eldest daughter.

* * *

**Do you want more weirdness? I'll update soon(ish!)  
Au revoir! (goodbye for those who do not speak the French)**


	2. 2: The Evil Queen of Numbers

**I said I'd be back soon! I got bored... **

**Now, presenting... *ba da da daaa!* Fifteen Greatest/Most Iconic M Quotes! (I know the fic's called 10 things, but it's M, so I don't think ten is quite enough.)**

* * *

15. Go on, eject me. See if I care.

14. If you think for a second that I don't have the balls to send a man out to die, then your instincts are dead wrong.

13. Well, you'd be a pretty cold bastard if you didn't want revenge for the death of someone you loved.

12. Utter one more syllable and I'll have you shot.

11. When I want sarcasm, Tanner, I'll speak to my children, thank you very much.

10. Well, when someone says 'we have people everywhere', it..._FLORIST_S use that expression, it doesn't mean they have someone in the bloody room!

9. Your name is on the memorial wall of the very building you attacked. I'm having it struck off. Soon, your past will be as non-existent as your future. I shall never see you again.

8. Take the bloody shot!

7. Well, you're bloody well not sleeping here!

6. I want you to find GoldenEye.

5. To hell with dignity! I retire when my job is bloody well finished!

4. Only my pride [is hurt.] I never was that good a shot.

3. Any thug can kill. I need you to take your ego out of the equation.

2. Who the hell do they think they are? I report to the Prime Minister and even he's smart enough not to ask me what we do. Have you ever seen such a bunch of self-righteous, ass-covering prigs? They don't care what we do; they care what we get photographed doing. And how the hell could Bond be so stupid? I give him double-0 status and he celebrates by shooting up an embassy. Is the man deranged? And where the hell is he? In the old days if an agent did something that embarrassing he'd have a good sense to defect. Christ, I miss the Cold War!

And, at Number One: M: You don't like me, Bond. You don't like my methods. You think I'm an accountant; a bean counter, more interested in my numbers than your instincts, mm?  
007: The thought had occurred to me.  
M: Good. Because I think you're a sexist, misogynist dinosaur; a relic of the Cold War, whose boyish charms, though wasted on me, seemed to appeal to that young woman I sent out to evaluate you.


	3. 3: A Lot Of It

**Sorry boredom and 007 hyper-ness keeps getting the better of me. This time it's 10 Frequently Used (but still good when well-written) Plotlines. I mean absolutely no offence to anyone who has written anything that falls into these categories as it's probably fab, I just noticed that there's a lot of stories like this out there.**

* * *

1. Despite the fact that we see him with all those women, JAMES BOND IS GAY! What's more, so's Silva (but with all that thigh-rubbing and general flirtatious behavior, we probably should have worked that out) and him and Bond fall for each other on the island. Then James suddenly becomes a psychopath like his partner and they go and kill M together, yaayyy!(not.)

2. Though we all saw her dying, Vesper is still alive and she turns up right bang splat in the middle of Quantum of Solace. James really resigns this time and they all live happily ever after the end. But what about Camille? Well, she was conveniently run over by a bus in chapter 2!

3. Wait, Silva ISN'T gay, though James still is, and guess what? SO'S Q! I think anyone with half a brain cell can work out what happens from there.

4. Wait, though we all saw him dying, Silva is alive! What's more, despite being stabbed in the back which ultimately would leave him paralyzed if he had lived, save for a massive wound, he's okay! But he wants to either kill or shag James, depending on who's writing the story.

5. Even though he has no known family, James has a daughter, who randomly turns up right in the middle of Skyfall. Naturally, this girl is gorgeous, a natural spy, has a big chest and falls for Q.

6. M died at the hearing. (I won't say any more about this or else I'll cry.)

7. Oh, wait, James's daughter isn't his, she's Silva's! (I am guilty of writing not one but two an possibly three if my next idea goes to plan about Silva having a daughter) What happens from there, i don't know, but she's generally a psychopath out to kill everyone in MI6 just like Daddy!

8. Silva kidnaps M from the hearing and then all shit he rapes her!

9. After M dies, James goes all OCC and angsty until he gets sent into the field with Q! Surprise, surprise, THEY'RE BOTH SECRETLY GAY!

10. (This is possibly what dominates James Bond fanfiction; I am directly responsible for four of these and love just about everyone else's) M never died at the end of Skyfall! First genuine yay of the chapter! Yay!


	4. 4 Obsessed, Much?

**Now, ten and a half ways to tell if you're a James Bond fan...**

* * *

1. You can come out with a 007 quote for just about every possible scenario.

2. You use the word 'espionage' for your password for EVERYTHING.

3. You get asked what your dream car would be, and you come out with 'Aston Martin' before the person asking has even finished the question.

4. Your catchphrase is:  
'Take the bloody shot'  
'What were you expecting? An exploding pen?'  
'The name's [insert surname here]. [insert full name here].'  
or  
'Think on your sins.'

5. When you found out that Javier Bardem AND Dame Judi Dench were both up for BAFTAs, you FLIPPED OUT.

6. You take it as a personal insult when someone admits to disliking or never having seen any James Bond movies, not knowing who Ben Wishaw is or saying that their favourite part of Skyfall was when M died. They get called either a 'sexist, misogynist dinosaur' or 'the evil queen of numbers' (depending on gender) and then banished from your sight.

7. Whenever anyone says 'Bond', 'M', 'Q', 'Silva', 'martini', 'Aston Martin', 'cyanide' or 'Montenegro', you go a little bit hyper.

8. You have an obsession with Silva/Q/Javier Bardem/Ben Wishaw/all four, but the only Fanfics about them are 00Q or 00Silva, neither of which directly appeal to you. What do you do? YOU READ THEM ANYWAY!

9. You can pick up a random object and then think of about seven different ways for Q to make it explode.

10. You never get fed up of watching the Bond saga and various YouTube clips (Y'know the ones, Casino Royale - How It Should Have Ended, the scenes in M's apartment, Silva's freaky cyanide bit etc.) over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, and people get annoyed with you because you never get fed up of watching them over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

And a half: When you watched Skyfall, a little part of you died with M. Then you immediately rushed home and wrote about six different ways for it to happen without her dying. Then you watch her death scene on YouTube, read a bunch of sad/angsty fics about her death scene, James failing to recuperate, her funeral etc. and then get all sad and repeat the whole cycle again.


	5. 5: The Pain of OOC Interviews

**These and any other things that may have offended people are not flames, I swear. Just a result of the authoress' over-active imagination and general hyperactivity. Now: Nine (sorry, ran out of ideas) OOC Characters that I have never come across but would find mildly hilarious. (the following are all interviews with the OOCs. )**

Idiotic Q

Me: So, Q, you're looking a bit...strange. Are you sure you're okay?

IQ: Well...I dunno. What were we talking about?

Me: Q, what happened to the whole 'teen genius/hearthrob' thing?  
IQ: Well...There was this tingie I invented and it blowed up so...what were we talking about?  
Me: What's your current IQ?  
IQ: Nearly seven I think...  
Me: Just go home, Q. Just go home.

(several large painkillers later)

Soulless M

Me: M, after having 007 shot on your orders, albeit accidentally, how are you coping?

SM: I've dealt with losing agents before, what makes you think that 007 is so important?  
Me: Well, you are..._*sentimental* a_bout him...  
SM: Me? Sentimental? Have you lost your mind? If you think that I don't have the balls to send a man out to die, then your instincts are dead wrong.  
Me: Okay, M you can go. M. Ma'am. Bitch.

Angsty James

Me: James, after what happened at Skyfall, how are you doing?  
AJ: Well, the woman I loved died – again – and my childhood home was destroyed. I'm having to cope with a bloody idiot as my boss and my Quartermaster hates me.  
Me: Aww, honey. Do you think that she-  
AJ: Being a part of her life was a bloody privilege! (bursts out sobbing)  
Me: Okay, I'm gonna go have nightmares. You need help.  
(Nightmares and a failed suicide attempt later)

Power-Crazed Mallory

Me: Mallory, how does it feel being the new M?  
PCM: I must say I'm enjoying it. I like finally being in charge and I'm maybe glad that she's finally out of the picture because she was turning the whole organization soft.  
Me: YOU UNFEELING BASTARD! SHE WAS TWICE THE PERSON YOU'LL EVER BE! (Brutally attacks Mallory)

(After Mallory has been rushed to hospital and me sedated and taking a psychology test)

Pervert Silva

Me: That honestly says Pervert Silva? PERVERT!? Have I not suffered enough already? Fine, let's get this over with. Silva-  
PS: Please, call me Tiago.  
Me: Emm...no. Silva, in every fic about you you've toed the line between disturbing bisexual and perv. What made you decide to cross it now?  
PS: Well, I don't know. Some twelve year old boys got hold of a computer and now I'm obsessed with M's boobs and say 'That's what SHE said' whenever possible. Isn't it great?  
Me: No, it's immature and disgusting.  
PS: That's what SHE said!  
Me: I bet she did. Now, Silva, thank you for your time-  
PS: That's what SHE said!  
Me: Get out of my sight. Now.

(Yet another failed suicide attempt later)

Lovestruck Vesper

Me: Vesper, how's life been since you met James?  
LV: Well...*dreamy sigh*, It's been absolute paradise...  
Me: Okay...Do you-  
LV (shoves picture of James in my face): He's GORGEOUS, isn't he?  
Me: Vesper, you have officially freaked me out beyond repair. Go. Please.

Emo/Suicidal Eve  
Me: Eve, you've changed. What's with the scarred wrists and all the black?  
E/SE: Well, since I killed James Bond, I haven't been at all myself. I wear black as a symbol of mourning for my lost soul.  
Me: That doesn't explain the scars...  
E/SE: I CUT MYSELF TO FEEL ALIVE!  
Me: You need professional help. Seriously.

Slutty Jinx

Me: Jinx, you look...great?  
SJ: I KNOW! I had this thing called a makeover which makes me all pretty so I can date James, Mallory, Tanner, Zao, Le Chiffre, Mr White, Dominic Greene, M's husband, Silva AND Q without any of them minding! You should try one, you're looking a little...ugly.  
Me: Thanks. As much as I'd like to sit and talk to a whore all day-  
SJ: You wanna piece of me?  
Me: BRING IT!  
(after a brief and painful scuffle with Jinx)

Tanner with No Attention Span

Me: Tanner, how is it working for Mallory now?  
TWNAS: What? Sorry, I wasn't listening.  
Me: I SAID how do you feel working for Mallory?  
TWNAS: What? Oh. Look, a seagull!  
Me: Tanner, get out.

How the OOCs are doing after the interviews:

Q was fired. Something about an abnormally low IQ. The cause of the accident that resulted in his previous three hundred and ninety four to drop to a mere seven is still unknown.

M left after Tanner put round a petition asking her to leave due to lack of human feelings.

James is in emotional therapy, but has turned to writing FanFiction about M and his non-existent relationship to drown his sorrow.

Mallory is still in a coma following my attack on him. Due to the fact that the mortality rate of my M-related revenge attacks is higher than that of Vatican City, the low level of brain damage he sustained is surprising. I apologise, but he deserved it.

Silva is in sensitivity training. However, it is run by twelve year old boys. His future is not bright.

Vesper killed herself in Venice for no apparent reason, but not after assisting on the attack on Jinx that's yet to be mentioned.

Eve has attempted suicide four times, but has never gotten serious enough to follow through with it.

Jinx is also in hospital after she was attacked by the spouses/girlfriends/partners of the 'guys on her side'.

Tanner was shot at M's hearing. He was looking out the window at a seagull.


End file.
